Doctor Who the Musical Special
by ACleverName
Summary: The Phantom of Androzani- "Caves of Androzani" rendered in musical parody form!
1. Program

Doctor Who—The Musical

Special- The Phantom of Androzani

Act One.

Scene One. "Perfectly Nice" (_Jane Eyre_)

Scene Two. Spectrox Nest/"The Court of Miracles" (_The Hunchback of Notre Dame_)

Scene Three. "Morgus' Stocks Are Rising" ("Christmas Bells Are Ringing") (_RENT_)

Scene Four. "The Lair Part One" (_Phantom of the Opera_)

Scene Five. "A Person Could Develop A Cold" ("Adelaide's Lament")/"Loathing"/"Defying Gravity" (_Guys and Dolls_/_Wicked_)

Act Two.

Scene One. "Mud Blistering" ("Madame Guillotine") (_The Scarlet Pimpernel_)

Scene Two. "Loathing (reprise)"

Scene Three. "The Lair Part Two" (_Phantom of the Opera_)

Scene Four. "Transformation" (_Beauty & the Beast_)


	2. Scene 1

I. Scene One. "Perfectly Nice" (_Jane Eyre_)

[_Curtain up_**. THE TARDIS **_dematerializes on a barren, red, rocky landscape_. _Out steps _**THE DOCTOR **_(Fifth_) _and _**PERI.**]

**THE DOCTOR. **At least it's not Wales!

**PERI.** Doctor, what on Earth do you mean?

[**THE DOCTOR **_ignores her and starts walking. _**PERI **_follows but stumbles because there's a rock in her high heel._]

_Song. _**PERFECTLY NICE **(Paul Gordon)

**PERI. **IT WOULD BE PERFECTLY NICE

IF ONCE WE'D LAND WHERE YOU SAID THAT WE WOULD!

I WAS LOOKING FOR BEACH—

**THE DOCTOR. **WELL, YOU MISUNDERSTOOD.

'SIDES, DO YOU THINK THAT REALLY YOU SHOULD

BE SUNBATHING? IT SEEMS PERFECTLY PLAIN

THAT YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH SUN . . .

**PERI. **OH, DOC, YOU'RE SUCH A PAIN!

[_She stumbles again. This time she picks up a clot of glass from the sand._]

THIS GLASS IS HAZ'RDOUS HERE ON THE BEACH—

[_He takes the glass from her and opens his mouth to sing.]_

OH HERE WE GO AGAIN, YOU JUST LOVE TO TEACH!

[**THE DOCTOR** _addresses the camera._]

**THE DOCTOR**. SHE'S REALLY A DEAR,

THOUGH HER ACCENT'S NOT CLEAR.

**PERI.** Hey!

**THE DOCTOR. **THERE WAS A TIME I CAME HERE BEFORE,

THE MAJOR, I MEAN—

**PERI.** DOC, THIS SONG IS A BORE!

**PARODY WRITER. **JUST WAIT FOR WHAT WE'VE GOT IN STORE . . .

[**THE DOCTOR **_starts off in the direction toward some caves._]

**THE DOCTOR. **Aha!

[**PERI **_gallops after him._]

**THE DOCTOR. **Blowholes!

**PERI.** Excuse me?

[_He bends down to examine the sand while _**PERI **_looks on impatiently._]

**THE DOCTOR. **THIS IS OUR LOT,

LIKE IT OR NOT . . .

I THINK I'VE FORGOTTEN MY THOUGHT

WHAT WAS IT? OH, NO, THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL!

[**PERI **_is leaning over the cave entrance and starts applying some hot mud to her face as _**THE DOCTOR **_remains oblivious._]

**THE DOCTOR. **DID I HAVE A POINT?

**PERI.** I CAN SCARCELY RECALL!

**THE DOCTOR. **BUT WE'LL SET THE STAGE,

WE'LL SET THE FRAME.

YOU'VE GOT THE LOOKS,

IF NOT QUITE THE BRAINS . . .

**PERI.** Hey!

**THE DOCTOR. **(_kindly_) YOU'LL SOON ADJUST,

EVERYONE MUST.

NOW ON WITH THE PLOT,

LIKE IT OR NOT,

THE CRICKETING CHAP AND THE C'LONIAL TOT,

WE'RE IN FOR CLOSE SHAVES IN THE MAGMATIC CAVES—

**[PERI **_waggles her finger at the camera man, drawing his gaze from her chest to her face._]

**PERI.** 'TIL HE MISBEHAVES!

**BOTH. **WE'LL SUFFICE.

IF THE PLANET'S PERFECTLY NICE.

**[**_As if in answer, the caves shoot up a magmatic spout of hot mud. Undaunted, _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**PERI **_follow them underground._ _Blackout._]


	3. Scene 2

Scene Two. Spectrox Nest/"The Cave of Miracles" ("The Court of Miracles") (_The Hunchback of Notre Dame_)

[_Deep in the caves, a number of _**ANDROIDS**_—humanoid in shape but instead of having a face, they just have an egg shaped sensor on their heads—are doing a graceful and entirely incongruous ballet dance. The _**MAGMA BEAST **_arrives from the shadows and does a swaying dance in the background. It starts making a low growling noise in tune to the music, which is, by the way, the instrumental waltz to _"Believe" _from _The Scarlet Pimpernel.

_As _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**PERI **_appear in the cave complex, the _**MAGMA BEAST **_takes fright and runs away. The _**ANDROIDS **_appear self-conscious and become, well, robotic, and walk away._]

**PERI. **It's very dark, Doctor.

**THE DOCTOR. **Yes, Peri.

[_She grabs his arm and pulls him closer. He ignores her. Piqued, she does a running jump into a hole._]

**THE DOCTOR. **What are you doing down there?

**PERI. **(_muffled_) What are YOU doing UP THERE?

[_Silence._]

**PERI. **Doctorrrrrrrrrrrrr! It's burrrrrrniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

[**THE DOCTOR **_makes an exaggerated look of "not again" and reaches in to save her._ _She takes his hand, mewling as he drags her out. She tries to tear off the cobwebby strands of what is, unbeknownst to her, a spectrox nest._]

**PERI. **What was that, Doctor?

**THE DOCTOR. **There are so many tasteless jokes I could make, Peri, really, don't go there.

**PERI. **Maybe—maybe you shouldn't touch it either, in case it's dangerous?

**THE DOCTOR. ***facepalm*

**PERI. **I've got a rash on my legs now.

**THE DOCTOR. **Maybe if you covered up a bit more we wouldn't have had this problem in the first place.

**PERI. ***I* didn't pick this outfit. (_glares at the producer_)

[_Suddenly they are set upon by uniformed soldiers, led by General _**CHELLAK.** _They wearily put up their arms._]

_Song. _CAVE OF MIRACLES (Alan Menken/Steven Schwartz)

**CHELLAK. **MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF A TERRIBLE PLACE

WHERE THE BEFUDDLED ARMY

MARCHES ON WITHOUT CARE—

MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF THAT MYTHICAL PLACE

CALLED THE CAVE OF MIRACLES—

HELLO, YOU'RE THERE!

**PERI. **Now what?

**THE DOCTOR. **Surrender.

**PERI. **Man, we don't even get to sing in this one.

[_In the cave further on . . ._ _gun runners _**STOTZ, KRELPER**, _et al with their supplies._]

**STOTZ. ** FOR THE DRUGS THEY'LL SQUAWK— [_holds up a 'Wish you were' postcard from Androzani Major_]

**KRELPER. **AND FOR GUNS HE'LL PAY— [_holds up a carte de visite of Sharaz Jek_]

**STOTZ. **BUT THE DEAD DON'T TALK [_threatens _**KRELPER **_with a knife_]

**GUN RUNNERS. **SO YOU WON'T BE AROUND

TO REVEAL WHAT YOU'VE FOUND!

**[STOTZ **_forces _**KRELPER **_to swallow a cyanide pill during the next scene, though he finally relents and _**KRELPER **_spits it out._

_Back with the Army marching _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**PERI **_miserably back to HQ . . ._]

**CHELLAK. **WE HAVE A METHOD FOR SPIES AND INTRUDERS

RATHER LIKE HORNETS PROTECTING THEIR HIVE

HERE IN THE CAVE OF MIRACLES

WHERE IT'S A MIRACLE IF YOU GET OUT ALIVE!

[_End scene._]


	4. Scene 3

III. Scene Three. "Morgus' Stocks Are Rising" ("Christmas Bells Are Ringing") (_RENT_)

[_In the office of _**TRAU MORGUS **_on Androzani Major, a luxurious and futuristic hub. _**KRAU TIMMIN **_is his secretary._]

_Song. _CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING (Larson)

**TIMMIN. **MORGUS' STOCKS ARE RISING!

**MORGUS. **MORGUS' STOCKS ARE RISING!

**BOTH. **MORGUS' STOCKS ARE RISING!

SPECTROX! SPECTROX!

**TIMMIN. **HONEST LIVING **MORGUS. **CANNOT SPARE THE TIME—CAN YOU?

HONEST LIVING FOR A COPPER MINE OR TWO.

HONEST LIVING I'LL BE MERRY, EXTRAORDINARY-

HONEST LIVING . . .

**TIMMIN. **CARING AIN'T IN HIS VOCABULARY!

**MORGUS. **NO MERCY

NO SPECTROX GIFTS

CORPORATE

CORRUPTION

NO SCHOOL MILK

FOR KIDDIES,

NO—

**TIMMIN. **BREAKING DOWN THE FOURTH WALL!

**MORGUS. **BREAKING DOWN THE FOURTH WALL!

NO SPECTROX FOR THE PRESIDENT, OH NO!

MOISTURIZE ME, I'M BEGINNING TO GLOW!

[_On the communicator screen, _**MORGUS **_calls up _**CHELLAK**.]

**CHELLAK. **SPIES TRY TO SCREW

US. GOT 'EM, SIR, THEY'RE ON TV.

**MORGUS. **WORTHLESS LOT, HAVE THEM SHOT!

**CHELLAK. **OKAY, SIR, COUNT ON ME!

[**PERI **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_on the screen._]

**THE DOCTOR. (**_to _**PERI) **THEY'RE NOT BUYING.

FEEL LIKE CRYING?

**PERI. **WE DON'T KNOW SHARAZ JEK!—

**MORGUS. ** OH NO!

THE SCUM'S FALSEHOODS ARE BEGINNING TO GROW!

[_In _**CHELLAK**'_s office in HQ on Androzani Minor. _**CHELLAK **_is there, also his second in command, _**SALATEEN.**]

**THE DOCTOR. **HOW 'BOUT A NICE

CUP OF TEA TO

CALM OUR NERVES? WE'RE NOT SPIES, JUST CAUGHT UP—

**PERI. **THE DOC TALKS LOTS

BUT WE'RE NOT SO BAD

PLEASE LET US GO

WE'RE INNOCENT!

**THE DOCTOR. **YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS!

**SALATEEN. **HUSH YOUR MOUTH, IT'S TREASON!

**CHELLAK. **YOU MAY NOT DESERVE THIS, BUT STILL—

**CHELLAK. **LOSE, LOSE

ALL WE DO IS LOSE. **SALATEEN. **IT SEEMS

SHARAZ JEK MORGUS

SEEMS TO KNOW WANTS YOU DEAD.

OUR EVERY MOVE—

**THE DOCTOR. **EVEN SO—

**CHELLAK. **NO, NO, NO, NO.

PREPARE—IT'S THE RED CLOTH, YOU KNOW.

[**THE DOCTOR **_and _**PERI **_are left alone in their cell._]

**THE DOCTOR. ** . . . HE SAID, CAN WE SEE THESE REBELS?

AND HE LOST ALL INTEREST

ONCE HE SAW US. I

FIND THAT JUST A LITTLE RUDE!

**PERI. **DUDE!

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh do speak English, Peri.

**PERI. **DOCTOR, THIS AIN'T OKAY,

I'M FAINTING DEAD AWAY,

THIS IS BAD—I FEEL SAD,

DESTINED FOR EXECUTION CRUDE!

**THE DOCTOR. **THAT RASH LOOKS ICK

AND I ALSO FEEL SICK—

I'M SORRY FOR GETTING YOU

INTO THIS MESS.

BUT, THAT GUY—

**PERI. **Sharaz Jek?

**THE DOCTOR. **SALATEEN!

**PERI. **SOD!

**THE DOCTOR. **RATHER ODD!

I'M SUSPECTING CLEVER FRAUD . . .

[_In the caves, _**STOTZ **_and his men._]

**GUNRUNNERS. **FOLLOW THE MAN, FOLLOW THE MAN

WITH HIS POCKETS FULL OF THE JAM.

FOLLOW THE MAN, FOLLOW THE MAN.

HELP US OUT, DADDY, IF YOU CAN.

GOT ANY G, MAN?

**STOTZ. **I'M COOL. [_hands _**KRELPER **_a grenade which they throw at the advancing army_]

[_General carnage. Everyone singing/shouting over each other. _**GUN RUNNERS **_in one corner of the stage, _**ARMY TROOPS **_in the other. _**MORGUS **_& _**TIMMIN **_on a screen._

_Elsewhere, in a secret base surrounded by lots of equipment, the shadowy figure of _**SHARAZ JEK **_hums to the tune of _"White Christmas."

**THE DOCTOR **_and _**PERI **_dressed in red hoods led up to a dais._]

**THE DOCTOR & PERI. **WE

JUST

WANT

TO GET IT OVER WITH

**CHELLAK. **I SHOULD TELL YOU, I SHOULD TELL YOU,

I SHOULD TELL YOU, I SHOULD TELL YOU

I SHOULD TELL YOU . . .

**ALL. **AND IT'S ANOTHER ONE,

AND IT'S ANOTHER ONE,

AND IT'S ANOTHER ONE—

**THE DOCTOR. **Curiosity's always been my downfall!

**ALL. **CLIFFHANGER!

**[THE DOCTOR **_and _**PERI **_appear to be shot! End scene._]


	5. Scene 4

VI. Scene Four. "The Lair Part One" (_Phantom of the Opera_)

[**THE DOCTOR **_and_** PERI, **_guided by _**ANDROIDS**, _descend from a hidden back door of HQ to the depths of the caves. Curiously, organ music begins to play._]

_Song. _THE PHANTOM OF ANDROZANI (Webber/Hart/Batt)

**THE DOCTOR. **IN JAIL IT CAME TO US

**PERI. **THIS ANDROID THING

**THE DOCTOR. **WE THOUGHT, IF IT SAVES OUR NECKS

**PERI. **IT'S WORTH TRYING.

**BOTH. **AND IN THIS LABYRINTH WHERE MUD IS RIFE

SOME GUY NAMED SHARAZ JEK IS SAVING OUR LIFE!

**THE DOCTOR. **Er, lives.

**[SHARAZ JEK **_appears. He's dressed in leather and wears a black and white mask. What more do you need to know_?]

**JEK. **OH WON'T YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN?

YOU ARE MY GUESTS.

**THE DOCTOR. **THANKS BUT WE SHOULD BE GOING

BEFORE WE BECOME PESTS.

**JEK. **OH DOCTOR, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.

YOU'RE TRAPPED BELOW!

THE PHANTOM OF ANDROZANI IS HERE

[_grabs Peri_ _and fondles her_]

AND YOU'RE MY J. LO!

[_Interlude. Funky dance to tune of Gilbert & Sullivan version of Sir Mix-a-Lot's _"Baby Got Back."]

**THE DOCTOR. **WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?

SHALL WE HAVE PICNICS?

WE'LL HAVE BUCKS FIZZ!

**JEK. **DON'T BE A NITWIT!

BEAUTY I MUST HAVE,

BUT WITH YOU DISCARD.

THE PHANTOM OF ANDROZANI WILL FIGHT

TIL HE HAS MORGUS, THAT RETARD!

[_In HQ _**CHELLAK **_has discovered that he executed two robots._]

**CHELLAK. **MUST BE HIM, THE PHANTOM OF ANDROZANI!

**SALATEEN. **HOW GRIM, SHOULD THEY FIND OUT ON ANDROZANI!

[_Back in the lair._]

**JEK. **IN ALL YOUR FANTASIES

YOU ALWAYS KNEW—

**PERI. **I'D RATHER A PRATTLING JACKANAPES,

NO OFFENSE, THAN YOU!

**ALL THREE. **AND IN THIS LABYRINTH

WHERE NIGHT IS BLIND

THE PHANTOM OF ANDROZANI IS IN

ROBERT HOLMES' MIND!

[**PERI **_vocalizing absurdly in the background as _**MORGUS **_mimes a scene with the _**PRESIDENT OF THE PRAESIDIUM **_in his office. Here and there, words can be heard about spectrox and the war with _**JEK. **_As the cadenza gets more frenzied, _**JEK **_breaks out his dance moves to the funky _"Baby Got Back" _music. It all ends when _**THE DOCTOR **_mutters._]

**THE DOCTOR. **Just shoot me!

[_Blackout._

_When lights come up, _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**PERI **_are sitting in the lair. _**SALATEEN **_(the real one) arrives with their breakfast._]

_Song. _I Remember . . . (Webber/Hart/Stilgoe)

**PERI. **HE LOOKS FAMILIAR, DON'T YOU THINK?

THE ANDROID WAS QUITE FLAWLESS.

**SALATEEN. **I THINK YOU'LL FIND MY COUNTERPART

HAS MORE PERSONALITY THAN I DO.

HERE, HAVE SOME GREEN NUTRITIOUS GOOP.

**THE DOCTOR. **WHAT IS THAT SWIMMING IN OUR BREAKFAST?

WHAT CAN WE DO TO PASS TIME?

[**PERI **_falls over clutching her leg._]

**PERI. **Ai! Ai! Ai!

**SALATEEN. **Three "ai"s in one sentence, makes you sound like a rather accident-prone young lady.

**THE DOCTOR. **She fell in a [insert your outré lewd joke here]. Now we've both got burning and itching symptoms and cramps.

_Song. _"Music of the Night" (Webber/Hart/Stilgoe)

**SALATEEN. **PERI'S FALLING, FALLING INTO SPECTROX

NASTY STUFF, THAT, TOO BAD THAT SHE LACKED LONG SOCKS!

SILENTLY THE VENOM WILL SEEP INTO HER DENIM . . .

**PERI. **(_indignantly_) I'm not wearing denim!

**SALATEEN. **SLOWLY, GENTLY THE SPECTROX KILLS ITS VICTIM . . .

**THE DOCTOR. ** OKAY, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF ALL YOUR DICTUMS!

**SALATEEN. **SORRY, BUT IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU AND JEKKIE'S HONEY

HAVE ESCAPED CERTAIN DEATH FOR ONE JUST AS BAD.

IT'S SPECTROX TOXAEMIA YOU HAVE.

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SURRENDER TO THE SECOND STAGE

CRAMPS FOLLOWED BY SPASMS GALORE;

FIN'LLY PARALYSIS OF THE THORACIC SPINAL NERVE—

I DARESAY IT'S NO MORE THAN YOU DESERVE.

SOFTLY, DEFTLY, THEN YOU REACH THE TDP.

**PERI. **WHAT'S THAT?

**THE DOCTOR. ** WELL, DON'T LOOK AT ME!

**SALATEEN. **OPEN UP YOUR MIND TO THE THERMAL DEATH POINT GRIND

IN THIS DARKNESS THAT YOU KNOW YOU CANNOT FIGHT,

YOU'LL BE DEAD—

**PERI. **GEE, THIS GUY IS REALLY A DELIGHT.

**THE DOCTOR. **LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT—

THERE IS NO CURE?

**SALATEEN. **THERE IS, BUT IT'S QUITE IMPRACTICAL

YOU HAVE TO GET THE MILK OF A QUEEN BAT

YOU HAVE TO CRAWL INTO THE DEPTHS TO GET TO HER NIPPLE.

**THE DOCTOR & PERI. **Ewww.

**THE DOCTOR. **FLOATING, FALLING, DYING OF SUFFOCATION—

**PERI. [**_indicates _**SALATEEN] **IT'S BETTER THAN SUFF'RING MENTAL RETARDATION—

**SALATEEN. **PROFESSOR JACKIJ'S CURE—

**THE DOCTOR. **WELL, IT'S A LONG SHOT, SURE—

BUT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ONE FOR THE LOST CAUSE

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A DRAMATIC PAUSE.

[_Silence. From somewhere in the lair, _**JEK **_singing to himself._]

**JEK. **YOU ALONE CAN SHOW ME THAT YOU CARE,

HELP ME MAKE THE MUSIC OF THE LAIR.

**PERI. ***barf*

**[JEK **_walks in on them and sees _**PERI **_still making the barfing face._]

_Song. _Why You Ask . . .? (Webber/Hart/Stilgoe)

**JEK. **WHY, YOU ASK DO I WEAR THIS MASK

IN THIS COLD AND DISMAL PLACE?

WITH ANDROIDS WHO DO NOT SEE AS WE

THE WICKEDNESS OF MY ABHORRENT FACE!

**SALATEEN. **BLAH BLAH BLAH MORGUS SLIME, A MILLION TIMES . . .

**JEK. **I WHO ONCE WAS SMART AND FAIR,

A DOCTOR AND A PRODIGY—

MORGUS, MY SPECTROX PART-NER

BEFORE THE BASTARD BETRAYED ME!

PERI, PERI, WHY . . . WHY?

**SALATEEN. **He hasn't even started on the mud blast or the faulty instruments yet.

**PERI. **He was b-burned?

**JEK. **Scalded, near to death.

**SALATEEN. **It wouldn't be _Phantom_-y if he wasn't burned.

**PARODY WRITER. **_Actually, _you'll find neither the Lloyd Webber Phantom nor the one from the book was ever burned, by acid, fire or other means. He was born that way, and the acid comes from the Claude Raines film of 1943—

**ALL. **Oi! Shut it!

**PARODY WRITER. **(_hides_) Meep!

_Song. _Wait, I Think My Dear . . . (Webber/Hart/Stilgoe)

**JEK. **WAIT, I THINK MY DEAR, I HAVE A GUEST!

[_In one of the other caves, _**STOTZ **_and the _**GUNRUNNERS **_are waiting._]

**STOTZ. **Jek!

**JEK. **SIR, THIS IS INDEED AN UNPARALLELED DELIGHT.

I HAD RATHER HOPED THAT YOU WOULD COME

AND DELIVER ME SOME ARMS—

YOU HAVE TRULY MADE MY NIGHT!

[_He leaves to go negotiate with the _**GUNRUNNERS.**]

**THE DOCTOR. **LET'S WALK OUT!

WHY DON'T WE JUST WALK OUT!

**SALATEEN.** HAVE YOU NO SANITY?

THE ANDROIDS ARE SET TO KILL ANY WHO MOVE.

**PERI. **Please, Doctor, it's useless.

**THE DOCTOR. **THEY KILL HUMANS

AND MIGHT GET DISTRACTED

SO I'LL JUST WALK OUT . . .

[_He does so. And they all escape._ _End scene._]


	6. Scene 5

Scene Five. "A Person Could Develop a Cold" ("Adelaide's Lament")/"Loathing (reprise)"/"Defying Gravity" (_Guys and Dolls_/_Wicked_)

[_In the caves, _**THE DOCTOR, PERI**_ , and _**SALATEEN **_are trying to get to HQ. They become separated as the _**MAGMA BEAST **_rampages, killing _**GUNRUNNERS **_and _**ARMY **_soldiers. Then it starts crying._]

**MAGMA BEAST. **I just want my mummyyy …. Wahhhh . . .

[_And it disappears into the depths._** THE DOCTOR **_is stranded away from _**SALATEEN **_and _**PERI**, _the former dragging the latter to HQ. They find _**CHELLAK.**]

**CHELLAK. **What are you two doing down there?

_Song. _Adelaide's Lament (Loesser/Loewe)

**SALATEEN. **Now, sir:

THE FREAK IN THE MASK HAS DOUBLED ME

BASICALLY ONE IS REAL—

**CHELLAK. ** Duh.

**SALATEEN. **I'VE BEEN LOCKED UP IN THE WEIRDO'S BASEMENT FLAT

AND HE'S GOT A SPY UNDER YOUR NOSE

TO REPORT BACK AND TO REVEAL

THE COLOR OF YOUR TOOTHBRUSH AND EVERY NEXT ATTACK.

**PERI. **Uh, guys?

JUST FROM WAITING AROUND ON THE FLOOR AS YOUR PLANS UNFOLD,

A PERSON COULD DEVELOP A COLD.

[_She hacks up a lung as the rash on her legs gets worse._ **SALATEEN **_deigns to pour her a glass of water._]

**CHELLAK. **She'll last long enough for . . . well, for something.

[**SALATEEN **_gives her a nasty-looking shot._

_Meanwhile, _**THE DOCTOR** _is observing the meeting between _**JEK **_and _**STOTZ.**]

_Song. _Loathing (Schwartz )

**JEK & STOTZ. **THERE'S BEEN SOME CONFUSION

ABOUT THE SPECTROX/ARMS EXCHANGE.

**JEK. **I DON'T PAY FOR GOODS I DON'T GET—

**STOTZ. **STUFF IT, YOU NANCY WEIRDO GIT.

**KRELPER. **I THINK YOU'RE BOTH AS NICE AS MASTICATED POND SCUM.

[**THE DOCTOR **_laughs and reveals his position._]

**THE DOCTOR. **THERE'S BEEN SOME CONFUSION—

**JEK. **TEAR HIS ARMS OUT!

**THE DOCTOR. ** LET ME EXPLAIN!

**STOTZ. **LET ME TAKE HIM AS A PRESENT TO MY BOSS.

**JEK. **IT'S A DEAL. NEXT TIME, GAS WEAPONS.

Peri! My precioussssssssssssssssssss . . .

[_He and the _**ANDROIDS **_leave._ **STOTZ **_threatens _**THE DOCTOR **_with a rifle._]

**STOTZ. **COME!

**THE DOCTOR. **WHAT IS THIS FEELING,

SO SUDDEN AND NEW?

**STOTZ. **I FELT THE MOMENT

I LAID EYES ON YOU.

[_They keep walking to the surface with the other _**GUNRUNNERS. **_Back at HQ, the two _**SALATEEN**_s sense each other's presence._ **FAKE!SALATEEN **_is with _**CHELLAK, SALATEEN **_is propping up poor _**PERI.]**

**PERI. **MY PULSE IS RUSHING,

MY HEAD IS REELING.

**CHELLAK. **I'M PETER CUSHING . . .

**ALL FOUR. **WHAT IS THIS FEELING?

FERVID AS A FLAME?

DOES IT HAVE A NAME?

YES! LOATHING!

UNADULTERATED LOATHING!

**[**_On _**STOTZ**_'s ship, _**STOTZ **_calls up his boss, _**MORGUS**, _and shows his proud prize of _**THE DOCTOR.**]

**MORGUS. **FOR YOUR FACE!

**THE DOCTOR. **YOUR VOICE!

**STOTZ. **YOUR CLOTHING!

[_grabs _**THE **DOCTOR's _lapel] _What the hell is this vegetable doing here?

**ALL THREE. **LET'S JUST SAY I LOATHE IT ALL!

[**MORGUS **_is alone in his office, freaking out. He starts speaking to himself as if he were schizophrenic._]

_Song. _Defying Gravity (Schwartz)

**MORGUS. **I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW!

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY HOW

CHELLAK DISOBEYED YOU,

THE ARMY HAS BETRAYED YOU!

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY TOO!

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY THAT

THE PRESIDENT DEFIES YOU

AND SOON WILL NEUTRALIZE YOU!

SO THOUGH I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY RIGHT NOW!

I CAN STILL BE THE WIZARD,

WHAT YOU'VE WORKED AND WAITED FOR

YOU CAN HAVE ALL YOU'VE EVER WANTED—

[_Aboard _**STOTZ**_'s ship, _**STOTZ **_has left _**THE DOCTOR **_chained to metal rod. As he breaks free . . ._]

**THE DOCTOR. **I'M NOT A VICTIM

NO, NOT A VICTIM,

ANYMORE!

[_He leaps to the controls of the ship after locking the door. He turns them around so they are headed back toward Androzani Minor._]

I'M A BIT RUSTY ON LANDINGS,

THE TARDIS JUST ISN'T THE SAME.

I'M THROUGH WITH PLAYING THE RULES

OF SOMEONE ELSE'S GAME!

[**STOTZ **_is shouting at him from behind the door.]_

I'M SORRY, PERI, FOR THIS;

I THINK I GOT YOU IN THIS MESS.

THE SPECTROX TOXAEMIA

MAKES ME SING UNDER DURESS!

[**STOTZ **_cuts through the door and points a gun at _**THE DOCTOR.**]

**STOTZ. **If you don't stop, Doctor, I'll shoot!

**THE DOCTOR. **Not a very convincing argument, Stotzy, as I'm dead anyway.

**STOTZ. **I mean, stop the bloody singing!

**THE DOCTOR. **Not a chance!

IT'S TIME TO TRY

DEFYING GRAVITY

I THINK I'LL TRY

TO LAND THIS WITH SUAVITY!

. . .

AND NOBODY IN ALL OF 'ZANI

(EXCEPT FOR PERHAPS THE MISTRESS RANI)—

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STOP ME NOW!

[_Androzani Minor looms and it looks like they will crash into it! I can't bear the suspense! _

_Interval. Buy your ice cream!_]


	7. Scene 6

Act Two.

VI. Scene One. "Mud Blistering" ("Madame Guillotine") (_The Scarlet Pimpernel_)

[_The ship crash lands and _**THE DOCTOR **_tumbles out, rushing off on a mad dash._

_Back in _**MORGUS**' _office, _**MORGUS **_leads _**THE PRESIDENT **_around._]

_Song. _Madame Guillotine (Wildhorn/Knighton)

**MORGUS. **I KNOW THAT SOMEONE IS PLANNING TO MURDER YOU, SIR.

THE VILE AND CORRUPT GOVERNMENT WILL KILL FOR SPECTROX, IT'S SURE!

BUT YOU CAN ESCAPE NOW WITH DIGNITY,

BY USING MY OWN PRIVATE LIFT.

THAT IS, THE ELEVATOR,

IF YOU GET MY DRIFT!

[_He pushes the rather bemused _**PRESIDENT **_down the empty lift shaft._]

VENGEANCE VICTORIOUS—

OH! HEAVENS UPROARIOUS! KRAU

TIMMIN, THE PRESIDENT'S FALLEN DOWN THE LIFT SOMEHOW!

[**TIMMIN **_runs off to spread news of the catastrophe._

_Back at HQ, _**CHELLAK **_has just sent _**FAKE! SALATEEN **_on a wild goose chase._]

**CHELLAK. **NOW JEK IS IN FOR SOME JUSTICE—

SEE THE SHIMMERING, GLIMMERING GUNS.

[**JEK **_communicates to _**FAKE! SALATEEN**_**.**_**]**

**JEK. **ANROIDS, DESTROY THESE TRAITORS! OOH, I THINK I'D LIKE HOT CROSS BUNS!

[_One the surface, a mud burst prevents _**STOTZ **_and _**KRELPER **_from going after _**THE DOCTOR. **_The _**MAGMA BEAST **_revels._]

**MAGMA BEAST. **SING, SING, SAVOR THE STING!

AS IT MOLTENS YOU, MAGMATIC BLIST'RING!

[**CHELLAK**_**'**__s troops, including _**SALATEEN, **_confront the army of _**ANDROIDS **_in the caves. Carnage._]

**CHELLAK. **FALL BACK! THEY KNEW WE'D ATTACK!

WE'VE WALKED INTO AN ASS-WHOOPING!

[_Most of the _**ARMY **_fall, but _**ANDROIDS **_are forced to retreat._ _End scene._]


	8. Scene 7

VII. Scene Two. "Loathing (reprise)"

[**MORGUS **_in his own lightweight executive cruiser. He gets a message from _**TIMMIN.**]

**MORGUS. ** Krau Timmin! Why are you sitting at my desk?

**TIMMIN. **It's my desk now, biotch!

_Song. _Loathing (contd.)

**TIMMIN. **EV'RY TRAIT, HOWEVER SMALL

MAKES MY VERY FLESH BEGIN TO CRAWL

WITH SIMPLE UTTER LOATHING.

THE WRITING'S ON THE WALL

YOU'RE SO, SO GONE!

THOUGH I DO ADMIT IT CAME ON FAST

I GOT IT ALL ON TAPE, SO AT LAST

I'LL BE LOATHING,

LOATHING YOU

FROM FAR AWAY!

Goodbye, Morgus.

[_Accordingly, _**MORGUS **_speeds ever faster to Androzani Minor. There he meets _**STOTZ **_aboard the latter's ship._]

**MORGUS. **Let's go steal us some spectrox.

**STOTZ. **We're splitting it in half.

**MORGUS. **Er . . . okay.

**STOTZ. **Come on, Krelper.

**KRELPER. **Actually, me and the guys were hoping to cut our losses and take off with our cut. Two kilos is enough for me.

**STOTZ. **Kai. Thx. Bai!

[_He and _**MORGUS **_turn to go. Then _**STOTZ **_turns on _**KRELPER **_and the rest and guns them down._]

**STOTZ. **THERE'S A STRANGE EXHILIRATION

IN SUCH TOTAL DETESTATION

IT'S SO PURE, STRONG . . .

TRULY, DEEPLY LOATHING YOU

MY WHOLE LIFE LONG!

Ahhhh.

[_He smiles. End scene._]


	9. Scene 8

XIII. Scene Three. "The Lair Part Two" (_Phantom of the Opera_)

[**PERI, **_very ill and fighting for her life, has been taken back to the lair by _**JEK, **_who is trying to keep her comfortable. Suddenly _**CHELLAK **_bursts in and grapples with _**JEK. **_He gets _**JEK**_'s mask off and promptly screams like a girl, allowing _**JEK **_to overpower him. When _**JEK **_tries to comfort _**PERI **_she screams._]

_Song. _Stranger Than You Dreamt It (Webber/Hart/Stilgoe)

**JEK. **STRANGER THAN YOU DREAMT IT,

CAN YOU EVEN DARE TO LOOK

OR BEAR TO THINK OF ME?

THIS LOATHSOME ENGINEER

WHO SEEMS A BEAST YET SECRETLY

DREAMS OF BEAUTY, SECRETLY, SECRETLY . . .

Oh, Peri . . .

**PARODY WRITER. **HOW ALIKE IS THIS

WITH _PHANTOM? _WHY DOES HE PRODUCE

FEAR AND REVULSION? WHY NOT

PITY AND INTRIGUE?

I'M BEING SERIOUS, ANSWER THE QUESTION,

METAFICTION'LLY, METAFICTION'LLY . . .

[**PERI **_collapses and _**JEK **_replaces his mask. _**THE DOCTOR **_staggers in._]

_Song. _Angel of Music (Webber/Hart)

**THE DOCTOR. **PERPUGILLIAM

BROWN, HOW IS SHE?

**JEK. **DOCTOR, I FEAR SHE'S DYING!

HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU A CASK OF OXYGEN

IF YOU'RE DETERMINED TO GO ON.

**THE DOCTOR. **Thanks.

**JEK. **Fo' shizzle.

**THE DOCTOR. **Er . . .

**[**_He descends deeper into the caves, bypassing the yodelling _**MAGMA BEAST **_and the mud bursts._]

_Song. _Point of No Return (Webber/Hart/Stilgoe)

**THE DOCTOR. ** PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN,

NO GOING BACK NOW

THE FINAL ACT HAS NOW AT LAST BEGUN!

PAST ALL THOUGHT OF SAVING FACE;

ONE FINAL QUESTION:

THIS CURE-ALL BAT'S MILK, HOW WILL IT TASTE?

WHEN WILL THE CRAMPS SEIZE UP MY LEGS?

WHEN WILL THE OXYGEN RUN OUT?

WHEN WILL THE MUD AT LAST CONSUME ME?

[_He descends to the hibernating place of the queen bats. He uses a phial to collect the milk as the oxygen cask runs out._

_In the lair, _**MORGUS **_and _**STOTZ **_surprise _**JEK.**]

**MORGUS & STOTZ. **PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN

THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG

THE BRIDGE IS CROSSED SO STAND AND WATCH IT BURN!

WE'VE PASSED THE POINT OF NO RETURN!

[**JEK **_removes his mask triumphantly._]

_Song. _Angel of Music contd.

**JEK. **PITIFUL SHAPE IN THE SHADOWS,

LOOK AT ME MORGUS, DAMN YOU!

LOOK AT ME MORGUS, YOU STINKING

OFFAL—OOH!

[**STOTZ **_is pumping him full of lead. _**JEK **_manages to kill _**MORGUS **_as _**FAKE!SALATEEN **_kills _**STOTZ**. **JEK **_falls into _**FAKE!SALATEEN**_'s arms._]

**JEK. **THIS FACE, THE INFECTION WHICH POISONS OUR LOVE . . .

_[He dies as _**THE DOCTOR **_arrives with the bat's milk and throws _**PERI **_over his shoulder to take her to the TARDIS._ _End scene._]


	10. Scene 9

IX. Scene Four. "Transformation" (_Beauty & the Beast_)

[**THE DOCTOR **_throws himself and _**PERI **_onto the floor of the TARDIS and sets it in motion away from Androzani as it is being consumed by mud bursts. He makes her drink the bat's milk, leaving none for himself._]

**THE DOCTOR. **I don't want to go!

[**PERI **_sits up._]

**PERI. **I can haz cheezeburger? Doctor, what's wrong?

_Song. _Transformation (_Beauty and the Beast_)

WE ARE HOME

WE ARE HERE—I KNOW NO BETTER

THANKS A LOT

FOR THE MILK—IT TASTES LIKE CHEDDAR!

**THE DOCTOR. **Erm, Peri, I'm about to die and/or regenerate. Do I get to sing?

[_She ignores him._]

**PERI. **FROM TODAY

I'LL STOP WHINING

AND DO ALL THAT YOU SAY . . .

DON'T YOU KNOW HOW YOU CHANGED ME?

STRANGE HOW I FIN'LLY SEE

I FOUND HOME,

THIS IS HOME,

STAY WITH ME!

[**THE DOCTOR **_begins to regenerate._]

**PERI. **No! No, please! I can't fly the TARDIS without you, crazy blue box man!

[**THE DOCTOR **_is off in his own little world. He hears the instrumentals from _"Live and Let Die" _by Wings. Guest appearances by Tegan, Turlough, Kamelion, Nyssa, Adric, and the Master._]

**TEGAN. **WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND YOUR HEART WAS AN OPEN BOOK

**TURLOUGH. **YOU USED TO SAY LIVE AND LET LIVE

**KAMELION. (**YOU KNOW YOU DID, YOU KNOW YOU DID, YOU KNOW YOU DID)

**NYSSA. **BUT IN THIS EVER-CHANGING WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE IN

**ADRIC. **MAKES YOU GIVE IN AND CRY

**THE MASTER. **SO LIVE AND LET DIE!

[_Perturbed to say the least, _**THE DOCTOR **_becomes Colin Baker and sits up._]

_Song. _Transformation (contd)

**THE DOCTOR. **PERI, LOOK INTO MY EYES!

PERI, DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE

THE CRICKETER WITHIN THE MAN THAT'S HERE BEFORE YOU!

CERTAIN AS THE ROTOR

MAKING GROANING SOUNDS,

TALE AS OLD AS TIME.

SONG AS OLD AS RHYME,

THE DOCTOR ALWAYS REBOUNDS!

**ALL. **TALE AS OLD AS TIME

SONG AS OLD AS RHYME,

_DOCTOR WHO_ RESOUNDS!

AAAAH … AAAAAH!

[_The end. Buy a souvenir programme on your way out._]

Leslie McMurtry


End file.
